The ‘Only Child’
The only child is not a lonely child. It is not harmful for the child to remain single. Only children are no different from their peers.
Joint family is a history. ’We two our two’ square family is a past. ‘Single child’ is the current trend.
Being single and having no siblings, is a question of family environment. China has a ‘one child policy’. First born child is a temporary only child’ till the second child is born. A child with a much older sibling is also single.
It costs to bear and rear children. It costs money, time energy and everything. Family stress, marital disharmony, career, bad obstetric history, fear over next pregnancy, advanced age, infertility or death of a sibling are some of the causes of having single child. The decision to ‘stop at one’ is difficult.
There are advantages and disadvantages of a single child.
There are do’s and don’ts in raising a single child.
Disadvantages of a single child.
‘Little Emperors.’
He is the boss of the house. He commands. He demands. He gets everything he wants. People say only children are spoiled, selfish, aggressive and what not! They say only children do not develop normally as they do not get opportunity to interact with brothers and sisters. But research proves that it is not true.
‘One-Two-Four’ Problem.
When the only child grows to become an adult, he has to support six elderly. His two parents and four grand-parents. With increasing life span, the number of elderly family members is increasing fast. Many self employed elderly do not have retirement benefits. And the problem is not of economic provisions only. Day to day living support and emotional support is also a need. Without support the elderly become destitute or resource less.
The single girl child
In Indian culture, a single girl child becomes a ‘sandwich generation’. She is sandwiched with responsibilities of three generations. She finds it difficult to get married if she is the only or an important earning member of the maternal family. She may land in despair and become pessimistic. If she gets married, she has to care for her own aging parents, her husband, children and in-laws. She is needed by everybody.
Advantages of a single child.
You can give more of everything to a single child. More attention, more quality time, more educational facilities and more developmental facilities. Eventually a single child achieves better. He is more likely to make outside friends and become extremely independent. By limiting the number of members, the family can raise it’s socio-economic status, per capita income, offer better heath care. As there is no option, the family is bound together and is likely to have better interpersonal relationships.
Parenting a single child.
Do not feel guilty.You have not done any injustice to him. You need not be apologetic. Do not try to overcompensate for keeping him alone. Opting for a single child is your personal decision taken for his better future. You have every right to have your opinion.
Give more attention, but don’t overdo.
View your single child as an advantage. Give your quality time to make him a responsible adult. Responsible for his thoughts and actions. A housewife mother should have some interest other than raring her only child. Otherwise she will try to live his life for him. A working mother should not try to force all her childcare in her available and convenient time. Feeding, cleaning, education, play, hobbies, extra curricular, discipline, everything can not be packed (zipped) in the available hour or two. The bud has to blossom, don’t try to force open the petals! A balance is very important. He needs his space and independence for his development.
Do not shower gifts, shower time and words.
Do not try to fulfill all his wishes. He will learn to emotionally blackmail you. Along with money, time, attention, love and care are also important resources. Costly gifts and excessive pocket moneyare not necessary. Affluence gives a wrong signal. He will not be able to face life in the true spirit.
In a nuclear double income family, the child might crave for company. In your absence, he may get involved with wrong company, or suffer alone. You have to play multiple roles. You have to be his brother, sister, friend as well as a mother. Do not praise him for everything, whether it’s well done or not. Maintain discipline. Otherwise he may become self-centered or pampered.
Keep him busy
Engage him in activities like painting, drawing, craft (fine arts) music, dance, sports, indoor games etc. Consider his aptitude. Give him exposure to many activities and let him select one to pursue. Books can be long lasting friends. Let him watch T V and surf the net for a limited time. Excessive TV and net removes emotions and makes the mindset mechanical. Activities make him creative.
Expand your family and family friends
Socialization can prevent loneliness of the only child. Encourage him to have his own friend circle. Teach him the need of family friends. Teach him how to develop friendship. Teach him the significance of lasting friendship.
Grand parents provide a wonderful bonding. If he is not lucky enough to live with his own grand parent, search for an elderly couple without grandchild in the neighborhood. You will certainly find one. Develop relationship. Open the windows of communication. It will be mutually beneficial. He should have cousins. Assumed brother or assumed sister is a suitable concept. Find out one in the vicinity. Nurture the relations on rakhi, bhaubeej, tilgul and other similar occasions. Adoption of the second child, is also a good option. This step may teach him caring and sharing. Expose him to social gatherings, ceremonies, music concerts, clubs and like minded groups. He should know how to organize ‘birds of same feather’. Give him an opportunity to socialize with strangers. Make him independent while maintaining strong family ties. Family gives him roots and stability. Independence without family ties is like a ‘kite without string’.
Reorganize your family at appropriate time.
Only ‘diamonds are for ever’. Time changes everything else. Time changes the way family lives, eats, thinks. Time changes relationships. The change is inevitable. You can not stop the time clock. You have to change with times. Any change is difficult. But you have to change for better. You have to teach him to accept change. You have to teach him how to change. Reorganize your family at an appropriate time.
Marriage, career, death, disease and aging are the times that force families to change. The changes should be predicted and appropriate actions planned. Changes in the family should be a smooth transition rather than a jerky catastrophe. Career and marriage of an only child needs special consideration. Parent should shift to the place where child works or the child should work where parents stay. A neighborhood flat is the ideal solution in present day context.
Ultimately, don’t lose your heart if your only child misbehaves. All children misbehave some time or other. You can spoil the ‘only child’ or 2-3 children.
It’s all about parenting.
Positive parenting.
– Dr. Anil Mokashi (Pediatrician)
MBBS, MD, DCH, FIAP, PhD
(Child Growth and Development)
